Headed to Haiti!

"The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." - Frederick Buechner

This time God is calling me to Haiti.

My plane is about to depart Miami and I'm stirring with emotion. To some degree I have been ever since I was told I'd be going. Truthfully, I never expected this trip to unfold. When I decided to take a few weeks off in March I was pretty set on spending them in Equador & the Gallapagos. And if that didn't work out, there was always Nicaragua...or even Colorado. But Haiti? It wasn't even on my list.

In December I started asking God to show me where to go and what to do with the time off. I hoped it would include a remote destination (because it always helps me gain perspective) but I was willing to go anywhere-- or nowhere at all. I just wanted some extended time with Him and I wanted Him to plan the trip. That was it.

And plan it He did!

One earthquake and two cancelled flights later, I'm now headed to Port-au-Prince, Haiti to serve as a volunteer physician with MercyWorks and YWAM. If things go as planned I'll be stationed at a make-shift OB/GYN clinic in the police headquarters across from the national palace. If they don't, I could be anywhere doing anything, like others before me.

My stomach is turning with excitement and nervousness. Not only is this my first time to Haiti, but it's my first time to serve on a disaster relief team. (I'm expecting many other "firsts" on this trip.)

I hope that I will be able to Blog along the way, to share my experiences and specific prayer requests as they surface. For now, please pray for safety in travel and for appropriate placement--for work and "housing"--once I arrive. Pray that the Lord would use me to bring comfort and healing to those who are mourning, injured, and in need. Pray that I would be an encouragement to others on the relief team, especially those with long term assignments there.

Grateful for the call & for your support,

Renee

In a word

2009

the feeling: JOY

the lesson: trust

the gift: community

the first step: Living Waters

the verse: Romans 15:13

the book: Ephesians

the day: August 30, 2009

the promise: Mark 10:29

the friendship: Edie

the trip: Idaho

the loss: Jim

the move: Mom

the song: Sweetly Broken

the concert: Hillsong

the CD: Heaven and Earth

the first book: Strength in Weakness

the last book: Forgotten God

the twice read book: Eternity to Here

the article: Jesus Manifesto

the conference: Renovare

the retreat: Chickfest

the mission: Choctaw

the baptism: Shanna's

the service: Deepen

the turning point: Advance weekend

the question: "What's up with you and Jesus?"

the place to meet: Collier Street

the real deal: JIB

the reason: Jesus

Praising God for the joys and sorrows of 2009. For His patience, His faithfulness, and His love. For growth and opportunities. For family and a faith community. For lessons learned and relearned and the fullness of life. For the truth of His Word. For freedom in Christ. For the fruits of the Spirit. And for the gift of another year.

"May the God of all HOPE fill you with all JOY as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." - Rom 15:13

New Year: a Puritan prayer

O LORD,
Length of days does not profit me except the days are passed in thy presence, in thy service, to thy glory.

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Give me a grace that precedes, follows, guides, sustains, sanctifies, aids every hour, that I may not be one moment apart from thee, but may rely on thy Spirit to supply every thought, speak in every word, direct every step, prosper every work, build up every mote of faith.
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Give me a desire to show forth thy praise, testify thy love, advance thy kingdom.

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I launch my bark on the unknown waters of this year, with
thee, O Father, as my harbor,
thee, O Son, at my helm,
thee, O Holy Spirit, filling my sails.
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Guide me to heaven with my loins girt, my lamp burning, my ear open to thy calls, my heart full of love, my soul free.

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Give me thy grace to sanctify me, thy comforts to cheer, thy wisdom to teach, thy right hand to guide, thy counsel to instruct, thy law to judge, thy presence to stabilize.
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May thy fear be my awe, thy triumphs my joy.

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--Valley of Vision

Year's End 2009

2009 was a ride. Yes, a RiDe. It was a year I will never forget. It was one of tremendous growth, of insights and blessings. It was also a year of conflict and struggle, frustration and pain. I was tried and I was stretched--at times well beyond my comfort zone. But in spite of all the challenges, more than anything else 2009 was a year of great JOY.

I will share some of my memories of the year and the lessons I learned in future entries. Tonight I simply want to close the year with a prayer from one of my favorite books of '09: Valley of Vision, a collection of Puritan prayers. It is appropriately titled Year's END

O Love beyond compare,
Thou art good when thou givest,
when thou takest away,
when the sun shines upon me,
when night gathers over me.

Thou hast loved me before the foundation of the world,
and in love didst redeem my soul;
Thou dost love me still,
in spite of my hard heart, ingratitude, distrust.

Thy goodness has been with me during another year,
leading me through a twisting wilderness,
in retreat helping me to advance,
when beaten back making sure headway.
Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead;
I hoist sail and draw up anchor,
With thee as the blessed pilot of my future as of my past.

I bless thee that thou hast veiled my eyes to the waters ahead.
If thou hast appointed storms of tribulation,
thou wilt be with me in them;
If I have to pass through tempests of persecution and temptation,
I shall not drown;
If I am to die,
I shall see thy face the sooner;
If a painful end is to be my lot,
grant me grace that my faith fail not;
If I am to be cast aside from the service I love,
I can make no stipulation;
Only glorify thyself in me whether in comfort or trial,
as a chosen vessel meet always for thy use.

May your reflections on the year that has passed lead you to a closer understanding of His grace, His love, His faithfulness, and His presence. Happy Year End to you.

Renee

"The joy of the Lord is my strength." - Neh 8:10

(return here tomorrow for a New Year prayer)

Only His Wounds

Check out By/For, a website that encourages artists to create sacred worship art by the church, for the church. This project which is titled Sweet Sacrifice touches on the themes of lament, loss, slavery and freedom in worship songs created for Lent. Seattle-based artists Molly McCue, Kurt Dyrhsen and Brian Moss collaborate with longtime Christian artist Michael Card on this project.

a link to the song, Only His Wounds, a free MP3 download

The Author of Life, the King of all Kings
Was wounded, and beaten,
and hung on a hill

The Truth of the world
The sacrifice made
Has risen, was given the power to save

Only His wounds can heal the broken
Only His wounds can save us from sin
Only His wounds give faith to the faithless
Only His wounds can restore us

The day of the Lord
The promise foretold
The judgment upon us is soon to unfold
But still there is hope
The way has been made
Before us is Jesus, with power to save

Only His wounds can heal the broken
Only His wounds can save us from sin
Only His wounds give faith to the faithless
Only His wounds can restore us

A God Encounter

Have you ever had a God encounter? A miraculous, powerful, or indescribable event that results in life change within you? If you have, it is likely that you became well aquainted with two strongly opposing forces: Jesus and Satan, light and darkness. In a God encounter they collide.

The reason both sides are noticably present in the midst of a life-changing event or a healing is because one side has much to gain, and the other has much to lose. The devil hates the potential of a God encounter, and will do anything to try to stop it. When a person comes face to face with God, and is changed as a result, they become infectious and contagious, and often, an unstoppable force in the Kingdom. They cannot keep their story to themselves, they want and need to share it with others. Even more so, a changed person is anxious to see others experience the freedom they have found, and they set out to help others discover the love of the Father & the power of the cross. At least this was my experience.

An infectious, contagious, high-on-Jesus life change is a great threat to the enemy. Which explains why he will try to undermine it in every way possible. The attack of the enemy against such events is well illustrated in chapter 9 of John through the story of Jesus' healing of a blind man. From verse 1 to 34, the blind man faces others who are are doubting and skeptical about Jesus' accomplishment in his life. It's as if no one but the blind man himself wants to testify to God's hand in the healing. No one wants Jesus to get the glory.

Look at the number and diversity of people in this story who opposed God's miraculous work of healing in the blind man's life. Five groups of people tried to undermine his transformation: the disciples, the neighbors, the Pharisees, the Jews, and even his parents! This illustrates well the wide variety of ways that the enemy can attack: through the familiar and through the foreign. If you've had a God encounter of your own, pause for a minute and take inventory of the forces and voices that opposed you and the work God did in your life.

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The 5 groups of people seen in this chapter and the voices they represent are:

1) the disciples: the voice of reason... "who sinned, this man or his parents that he was born blind?" (i.e. there has to be a logical explanation for his affliction)

2) the neighbors: the voice of familiarity..."Isn't this the same man who used to sit and beg?" (sometimes the people who find it hardest to accept transformation in Christ are those that are most familiar with who we were before we changed)

3) the Pharisees: the opposing voice of religion..."this man is not from God, for he does not keep the Sabbath" (sometimes even believers cannot believe in the radical life change that God produces)

4) the Jews: the voice of unbelief..."Is this your son, one you say was born blind?" (sometimes the voice of unbelief is strongest in ourselves)

5) His parents: the voice of fear..."How he can now see we do not know, nor do we know who opened his eyes." (spoken in fear of persecution)

From his family to his neighbors to the religious people of the community, everyone expressed doubt. And while they could doubt and they could judge they could not deny what had changed: a man once blind now could see! This man would never be the same again--how could he be? For the first time in his entire life, he had vision! Can you imagine? A miracle had occurred. He had much to celebrate, so why in the world would he keep that to himself?

In the summer of 2008 I had a God encounter of my own. A light was cast on a corner of my life I had kept "hidden" from God for 20 years, and for the first time in my life I was powerfully convicted of this unconfessed sin. As the Holy Spirit helped me to confront the sin struggle, I slowly gained the strength I need to surrender it fully to Him. I confessed it: first to God, then to others, and repented of it, vowing to move forward in obedience. Surrendered to God, I recommitted my life to Him through baptism. I felt a freedom and joy that I'd never known, and I was engulfed with a supernatural peace that I had never before known. Like the blind man, I wanted to shout my story from every roof top, to tell it to every person I passed on the street. I was a new person. I was free. And I could not be silent.

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As I began to share my own story of deliverance, I encountered many voices of uncertainty and discouragement. At times I felt enveloped by them: they seemed to be everywhere. Voices of doubt, criticism, and disbelief. They came from friends: both gay and straight, churched and unchurched. They came from family. They even came from church! The enemy attempted to use these voices to confuse and conflict me, and detour me from the path I had already chosen. But I could not be deceived: His joy filled my heart and His truth filled my mind. His protection was over me.

Why does the enemy hate God encounters so much? It's because great things are birthed out of these moments. A God encounter gives purpose and direction to your life. It leads to greater intimacy with Jesus. And, it results in a sense of responsibility and accountability. A feeling grows indside you that says, "I must do something; God has touched me and He has a call on my life".

Have you had such an encounter with God? Have you seen one in someone close to you? If so, have you seen the way that Satan tries to undermine what is happening? It's not just a tug of war--it's a battle! God is glorified through radical life change. When someone finds salvation, when someone has a vision for the Kingdom, when someone moves beyond their sin, their addiction, their failure, their false identity, and finds truth and life in Him, the enemy simply can't stand it!

When Jesus was asked who had sinned that this man would be born blind, he replied, "It happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." All God encounters happen for this reason, so it should come as no surprise that the enemy works so hard to defeat them. Being aware of this is our first defense.

Father, I pray today that Your transforming work will be fully displayed in my life, and that You would be the only one glorified by my God encounter and by the changes others see in me. Keep me awake and alert and aware of Satan's presence, even in the voices that surround me. Guide me along the path you have laid out for me, aware of my purpose and my role in the kingdom. Keep me accountable and motivated to do your work, to share my story and my faith. May others encounter God through me and find a newfound freedom. Amen


I thank Brian Houston, pastor of Hillsong church Australia, for opening my eyes to John 9 and teaching me about the power of a God encounter at Hillsong Encounter weekend, summer 09.

Happy Easter!

Oh, HAPPY Day!

"Happy Day" by Tim Hughes
Click to hear the song.


THE greatest day in history: death is beaten, YOU have rescued me. Sing it out, Jesus is alive!

The empty cross, The empty GRAVE.. LIFE eternal, You have WON the day. Shout it out: Jesus is alive, HE'S ALIVE!
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OH HAPPY DAY, happy day, You washed my sin away. Oh happy day, HAPPY DAY: I'll never be the same, forever I am changed.
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When I stand, in that place, free at last, meeting Face to Face. I am YOURS, and Jesus You are MINE. Endless JOY, perfect PEACE. Earthly pain finally will cease. Celebrate! Jesus is alive, He's alive!
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OH happy day, happy day, YOU WASHED my sin away. Oh, happy day, happy day I'll never be the same Oh NO, Forever I am changed! Oh what a glorious DAY! What a glorious WAY! That You have SAVED me, Oh what a glorious day, What a GLORIOUS NAME!


"Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus." -Romans 6:8-11

He is My Fortress

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." -Psalm 91: 1-2

I've written in earlier entries about how often and how intensely God connects with me when I am exercising. To my delight, my recent workouts have been rich with opportunities to hear God's voice. Knowing that both my body and my soul will be satisfied in these hours, I find myself longing for the next chance to hit the trail or jump on my bike and take off for a ride. This is a very good thing!

Although it's not the only way, the most frequent way God speaks to me as I exercise is through the lyrics of praise songs that stream (loudly) through my iPod. He captures my attention with a verse or phrase that makes perfect application to my life at that moment. Sometimes a song I’ve heard a hundred times before will sound completely different, as if the lyrics were suddenly changed to fit my situation. Does this happen to you too?

Today I had a connection like this while running at Town Lake. I was a mile or so in to my run, with my iPod on shuffle mode, when Jeremy Camp's song "My Fortress" started playing. While this isn't a song that I know by heart, I've heard it enough times that I can sing along to the chorus. But as the song played today, a few key words jumped out at me (this fear...His peace...a sanctuary) and I started to listen more carefully to the song's message.

The lyrics took me back to a time in late 2007 when I was struggling with discontentment. Although successful by many measures (according to the world's standards), and seemingly "happy" on the surface, I had somehow lost the internal peace and joy that I once knew, the kind that comes from being in right relationship with God. I was desperate to be delivered from this place of unrest, and to have my happiness restored.

When I called out to my Father and invited Him in to my grief, He was quick to draw near. When I asked for insight and understanding, He enlightened me and shined a light into the shadowed corners of my life. Conflicted and hurting, I asked God to be my REFUGE--the sanctuary that the world could not provide me with, and never will.

Not only did my Savior hear my cry, but He mercifully reached down and pulled me out of my pit. He helped me to identify the unconfessed sin in my life that was distancing me from Him, and to overcome the fear that kept me from confronting it and trusting Him. As I put my hope in Him completely, He began a healing work in my heart, and in my life, so that I could find the joy and contentment that I longed for. As I traded the lies of this world for His truth, His truth set me free. I found my refuge and my strength in Jesus: my fortress, my Rock.

"I'm running fast to seek Your face...Head first I dive into Your grace"...

As these words streamed through my ears, an image passed in front of me. I imagined myself running fast to Him (and my Father running fast to me). I picked up my pace and played the song again, and again, letting the vision and the song carry me through my run. As I connected to the message and the emotions built up inside me, I felt a pull toward God so strong it was all I could do to not to drop to my knees and praise my Lord right there on the trail! I hurried to my car so I could find paper and a pen and record these feelings.

Here are the words to the song, and a "must click" link to a short devotional from the songwriter, Jeremy Camp. May the words of scripture he reads comfort and strengthen you as they did me.

Jeremy Camp devotional: My Fortress (click here to listen)

I can feel it coming over me, all the weight of what this fear can bring. I know on my own I can’t survive, and I’m fading fast now. I’m closing in on what’s in store for me, all the rest in your security. I’m holding on to the words You speak, and You’re speaking clear now.

I’m running fast to seek Your face, head first I dive into Your grace...

You are my fortress, You are the refuge where I hide. You are the strength when I can’t fight, You are the only one I rest my life in. You are the only hope I find, You are my only peace of mind. You are the only one I rest my life in.

I’m taking hold of what’s in front of me, a place where I can rest my weary feet. There’s no other place that I can go, so I’m waiting here now. I’m letting go of what the world will bring, a sanctuary that will never breathe. I found my heart in that place before, and I’ll never go back. I get lost within that place, the place where I always wish I'd stayed.

You are the only one, the only one I rest my life in, Lord. You are my hope, my strength, my life, my peace... my rock, my joy, my EVERYTHING now. You are the refuge where I hide,You are the only one I rest my life in.

Father,

You are my fortress, my rock, my refuge from the ways of this world and from my sin. I know that I am safe with You, protected by your outstretched arms of power and love. In every circumstance, in every difficulty, your protection is both constant and sufficient. In Your grip I have nothing and no one to fear...what a comforting thought.

I thank you for Your constant presence and availability: when I see You, and even when I don't. I vow once again to put my faith in You, to hide myself in You, to rest my life in You, to worship You alone...today and always.

Amen.

A Love Like This

His LOVE is so unlike any love I've ever known. So steady, so full, so quenching. It is a love that not only fills me from head to toe, it defines me.

While I know that I can't adequately explain the depths of it, I can't help but speak out about it. The feeling is simply too good to keep it to myself. And I don't think I could, even if I tried. It's all over my face.

I am high on my Father's love and I never want to come down.

Today started out like any other ordinary day. Post-call, I woke up in the hospital and made early morning rounds before heading to the office. I spent a few hours there clearing my desk: making phone calls to patients, scheduling surgeries, signing off labs, etc. Nothing special. I made small talk with office staff as they passed in and out to say good morning. Then suddenly I felt the need to stop what I was doing in order to acknowledge an intensely deep feeling that was welling up inside me. My mind shuffled through words for a minute, trying to find one that adequately described what it was I was feeling. Then I found it: CONTENTMENT.

As I moved from the office to the coffee house, to the architect's office, to my living room, to Spanish class, to the gym, to the hospital, and back home again, the feeling not only remained, it grew. And it was joined by feelings of HAPPINESS so intensly powerful that I found myself sitting in the gym parking lot searching my iPod frantically for a song of praise loud enough and joyful enough to match my mood. I simply had to sing!

The first song that jumped out at me was You Found Me , by Big Daddy Weave (follow the link; click on the song player, and turn it up loud!). It's an upbeat song about the magic and power of discovering God's Love for the very first time. It describes the transformation of the soul when the new believer realizes he will never be same again. And, having tasted something so magnificent, the corollary to his discovery is that he would never want to be the same again.

Gripped tightly by arms of grace, the child of God will come to know the paradox of such a stronghold: that amazing freedom is found in His Love. And that not only is His Love the best thing, it is EVERYTHING.

Father, I am so grateful to know TRUE Love, to know YOUR Love. And because of it, I will never be the same.

your daughter,
Renee


So In Love Jeremy Camp (click to play the song)

So many times I've fallen, so many ways I've failed you, so many times I've stepped out on my own. I know I'm undeserving, but I feel You are preserving the only good that I have shown

The only words that I can bring are these very words I sing
To sing to You now...

Cause I am so in love with You
There's nothing else I choose
You've stolen my heart
Yes, I'm all for You

Nothing can separate me from the grace that You gave free I know You'll never let me go
Even though You know my frailties, every single thing about me You show the greatest love that's known

The only word that I can bring Are these very words I sing I sing to You now...

Time and time again You show The depth and love that You bestow I never fully understand
It's too great for me to know But I always try to bring I try to bring You everything

I Know Who I Am

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Cor 12:9

As I read this verse today, my first thought was "What a relief! God can use me despite my weaknesses." But the more I meditated on these words and other verses about weakness (Zech 4:6, 1 Cor 1:25, 27, Matt 5:3), the more I began to realize that the more significant message here is this: that God cannot use me if I will not admit my weaknesses. And I began to see the true difference between these points.

In order to do the work of God with any degree of success, we must have a sense of our own weakness. There is simply no room in His army for the arrogant or self-sufficient. We are fallen and in need of His mercy; serial sinners, incapable of anything good apart from Him. We are broken, and able to find healing only by His grace. We are too weak to win in battle on our strength alone. But when rely on Him--on His might--then we can be victorious.

Sure, there's nothing trendy about admitting one's weaknesses, nor one's brokenness. In fact, most of us spend a great deal of energy and effort trying to cover these up. But God calls us to be bold and humble: to acknowledge our needs, not to hide them. And to lay them at His feet. What He offers in return is freedom. What He offers is more of what we long for--more of Him.

"Mourning over your weakness? Take courage! Your emptiness is but the preparation for your being filled, and your casting down is but the making ready for your lifting up."--Spurgeon

my prayer tonight:

Father, I come to You tonight not only aware of my brokenness, but also thankful to You for it. For I have come to understand that my weaknesses only draw me nearer to You. As I struggle with the sins of the world, the conflicts between flesh and spirit, I am reminded again and again how reliant I am on You...to do good, and to win in battle. Remind me not to rest in my own faith, nor to depend on my own strength, but teach me to be humble and meek and reliant on You. For in You alone will I find victory. In You alone will I be made whole.

I Know Who I Am

I try so hard but I always fall short, so I've faced the truth of my weakness. There's nothing good that I can bring forth, but I stand in the strength of Your presence. I've wasted time always trying to face things alone. But I wait here now and I lay it all down...

I know who I am and I know I'm not able to stand on my own; I can't live all alone. So I'm taking my hands and I'm reaching them out. And I fall down. I fall down for you.

In times of brokenness always You show the depth of love that You bring me. When I'm kneeling down in Your presence I know: Your source of life I'm receiving. I place myself in Your arms that will always lead me. And I won't let go cause there's nowhere else to go.

I don't know why the things I want to do I always run from now. Because I know apart from You there's nothing that I can do where life will become new.

And I know who I am and I know I'm not able to stand on my own; I can't live all alone. So I'm taking my hands and I'm reaching them out, and I know that I'll take everything that's in me and fall down before You.

Jeremy Camp, Speaking Louder Than Before (click to play song)

All That I Need

In my effort to find an copy of the book The Valley of the Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions on the internet, I stumbled across a collection of worship songs inspired by the book. Just like the prayers themselves, the songs are rich and full of scripture. Short and simple, they get right to the heart of worship: pursuit of our Father and Savior. I connected with one of them while running the other day and played it through three consecutive times on my iPod. It has continued to stream through my head in quiet moments of the days that have followed. I think it's God's way of reminding me that He's All That I Need.

In You is strength to sustain me • And wisdom enough to guide my hand • Mercy enough to forgive me • And power to finish what You began

All that I need is in You, Jesus • The fountain of grace that overflows • All that I need is in You, Jesus • You are my only hope • You are my only hope

In You is fullness of gladness • And fullness of grace for every need • Rest for the ones who are weary • And beauty surpassing all that we’ve seen

You satisfy my heart • You satisfy my soul • You satisfy my heart • O help me always know

All That I Need, Stephen Altrogge, Valley of Vision

A Prayer for the New Year

Mom came to visit for the weekend and shared with me a book of Puritan Prayers, The Valley of Vision. After she and Tristan went to bed tonight, I found some quiet time to read a few pages of these eloquent prayers. I stumbled upon one titled "New Year", appropriately timed and perfect to share. Every line of this prayer was a blessing to me at this year end turning point. As you launch into the unknown waters of 2009, may it bless you as well.

O Lord,

Length of days does not profit me except the days are passed in thy presence, in thy service, to thy glory.

Give me a grace that precedes, follows, guides, sustains, sanctifies, aids every hour, that I may not be one moment apart from thee, but may rely on thy Spirit to supply every thought, speak in every word, direct every step, prosper every work, build up every mote of faith, and give me a desire to show forth thy praise; testify thy love; advance thy kingdom.

I launch my bark on the unknown waters of this year, with thee, O Father, as my harbor; thee, O Son, at my helm; thee O Holy Spirit, filling my sails.

Guide me to heaven with my loins girt, my lamp burning, my ear open to thy calls, my heart full of love, my soul free.

Give me thy grace to sanctify me, thy comforts to cheer me, thy wisdom to teach, thy right hand to guide, thy counsel to instruct, thy law to judge, thy presence to stabilize.

May thy fear be my awe, thy triumphs my joy.

Amen.

Renee's "Top Ten" Lists

2008 was a huge year for me--one that I will never forget! Filled with both trials and tribulations, it was a year marked by growth, change, and reflection. In moments of pain, doubt, and confusion I turned to His Word for comfort and for answers. But I also found insight and instruction in many books, and comfort in many songs, including the ones below. Through the year God was gracious and merciful to bring me out of the pain, to a place of authentic joy and peace. Transformed and renewed, I celebrate His Love today as I share the lists of books & CDs that inspired me most this past year.

Praying that you will feel His presence and receive His blessings in 2009,
Happy New Year,
Renee

Top 10 Books I Read in 2008

10 The Divine Conspiracy, Dallas Willard, 1997 (it’s only last on the list because I’m not quite finished)
9 Dangerous Journey: The Story of Pilgrims Progress, Oliver Hunkin, 1985, (a children’s book- read with Tristan)
8 Soul Revolution, John Burke, 2007
7 Hinds Feet on High Places, Hannah Hurnard, 1955
6 Desires in Conflict, Joe Dallas, 1991
5 Celebration of Discipline, Richard Foster, 1978
4 The Shack, William P. Young, 2007
3 The Knowledge of the Holy, AW Tozer, 1961
2 Pursuit of Holiness and Practice of Godliness, Jerry Bridges, 1978
1 The Bible (I’m currently enjoying “The Chronological Bible”- thanks Mom!)

Earth’s crammed with heaven, and every common bush afire with God. But only he who sees takes off his shoes; the rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.--Elizabeth Barrett Browning (as quoted in The Shack)

When we are holding on to some sin, we are not pursuing holiness and we cannot have fellowship with God.--Jerry Bridges, The Pursuit of Holiness

The world's version of battle and joy is striving and indulgence. If you walk with God it's an intense battle but authentic joy. The battle will find you but you have to be intentional about the joy.--John Eldridge, Walking with God

Sincere prayer comes from a heart that longs for God to reveal what He desires.--Swindoll, So You Want to Be Like Christ?

To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love, scorned indeed by the too-easily-satisfied religionist, but justified in happy experience by the children of the burning heart. --A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

Our pursuit of God is successful because He is forever seeking to manifest Himself to us--A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

Top 10 CDs that I Bought in 2008

10 Maná, Arde el Cielo (En Vivo)
9 Eliza Gilkyson, Beautiful World
8 Bebo Norman, Bebo Norman
7 Devin Garza, Every Reason
6 Third Day, Revelation
5 Downhere, Ending is Beginning
4 Aaron Shust, Whispered and Shouted
3 Jeremy Camp, Speaking Louder than Before
2 Rush of Fools, Wonder of the World
1 Tenth Avenue North, Over and Underneath

Your ways are high They're not our own And You are seated at Your throne And it's Your love that gives us hope That You will never let us go --Rush of Fools

Turn me around, pick me up, undo what I've become; Bring me back to the place of forgiveness and grace; I need You, need Your help I can't do this myself; You’re the only one who can undo what I've become--Rush of Fools

At first I am afraid but not because of fear But the Holy of Holies is drawing me near Your voice like thunder shakes the ground I'm on So hide my face in the shadow of Your wings, oh Lord hide my sin from the beauty here before Your throne--Tenth Avenue North

Your love has stolen my heart; Your love has set me apart; Your love is life in my veins; And all my mistakes fade away So find me and stop me and take me, and save me!--Rush of Fools

Consume me with your fire, cleanse me with your rain Purify me, let me glorify your name Wash away my empty past until only Your love remains --Tenth Avenue North

Who am I?

What is man, that you are mindful of him? The son of man that you care for him? -Psalm 8:4

An excerpt from my journal, December 8, 2008

When I sit and meditate on the majesty, the greatness, and the perfect character of my Savior and God, I am overwhelmed by a feeling of insignificance and incredibly honored to be called His own.
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God is sovereign. He is righteous. He is just. He is omnipresent, omnipowerful, and omnipotent. He is immutable and truthful; merciful, compassionate, and faithful. God is LOVE. God is solitary in His excellency and holiness. 'Who is like unto Thee, O LORD, among the gods? who is like Thee, glorious in holiness, fearful in praises, doing wonders?' (Exo 15:11).

He is sinless, and I am a sinner who only by His grace was forgiven and saved. He is flawless and I can't even type a short email without making a mistake. He is selfless; I struggle daily with pride, anger, discontentment, and selfishness.

Today as I was driving from LaFortuna to Tamarindo I was listening to my Baptism CD. Not long after the song "Who Am I" (Casting Crowns) started playing, I rounded a mountain curve and the fog that I had been driving in for miles suddenly cleared, revealing a beautiful mountainside and a lake in the distance. As the song played on and I looked out my window, a rush came over me. My eyes filled with tears as the lyrics and sights simply overtook me. I found a place to pull over, to sit and savor this "moment" with God. Here's are the lyrics that moved me so...

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt? Who am I, that the bright and morning star would choose to light the way for my ever wandering heart? Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin would look on me with love, and watch me rise again? Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea would call out through the rain, and calm the storm in me?

Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done.

Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind. Still you hear me when I'm calling. Lord, you catch me when I'm falling. And you've told me who I am... I am yours. I am Yours.

What a humbling moment! Through tear filled eyes I prayed out loud...

Father, what a privilege it is to be Your child. And what a comfort to know I can jump into your loving arms and rest there forever. You care for me and call me Your beloved. I have nothing to fear, for you will guard and sheild me, and catch me when I fall. How underserving am I of such love and mercy.

Father, when I feel insignificant, remind me that I am Yours. When I search for my identity, show me who I am in You. And help me to rest in that knowledge, content and thankful...neither needing or asking to be anything more. Amen.

Coming next: Bought at a price

Real de Catorce

Letty and I spent the last two days in the old mining town of Real de Catorce, about 120km south of San Luis Potosi, Mexico (basically in the middle of nowhere). Once a town where silver was abundant (in the 17 and early 1800´s), it is now largely abandoned with only 1200 residents. The movie ¨The Mexican¨was filmed here (The Bandidas too), so the locals are familiar with the names Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts, even though they probably never saw the films.

The indigenous people here, called Huicholes, make beaded jewelry and art, and sell it to tourists who come here for a spiritual retreat or to explore the ruins (young Huichole child pictured).

The landscape is steep and hard to travel. The best way to see the town is by horseback, so Letty and I rented horses and rode to the highest point in town for a sunset view of the city below. The desert is beautifully landscaped with cacti and yucca and at an altitude of 2700 m the town offers a beautiful view of the central highlands below. The starry night sky is spectacular.

Following a morning hike to visit the home of a local woman we met yesterday at our hotel, we stopped to observe a fiesta at the local school. The children were celebrating the start of Posada (literally translated "a stopping place"), a 9 day celebration commemorating the travel of Mary and Joseph to Bethlehem. They reinact the quest for shelter in a litany of songs at designated homes. Singing...

Cantemos con alegríatodos al considerarque Jesús, José y Maríanos vinieron a honrar.

Let us sing with joy, all bearing in mind that Jesus, Joseph and Maryhonor us by having come.

God is all around us

How many are your works, oh Lord! In wisdom you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures. - Psalm 104: 24

Hoy ví a Dios (Today I saw God)...

In a pair of mating red-eyed tree frogs; In a clearing in the forest showing a beach far below; In the face of a dog sleeping contently on a sunny beach; In the warm smile of a jewelry vendor from Uraguay who sold me a bracelet and later joined me for coffee

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Señor, ¡qué numerosas son tus obras! Tú las hiciste a todas sabiamente, tus criaturas se ven en todas partes. - Salmo 104: 24

Hoy escuché Dios (Today I heard God)...

In the laughter of children playing in the streets; In the sounds of the holler monkeys (they are so loud!); In the call of a toucan; In the chirping croak of a glass frog; In the sound of waves crashing on the shore

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Hoy sentí a Dios (Today I felt God)... All around me!

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Señor, gracias por tu creación. Estoy estremecida por todo de lo que eres y todo a mi alrededor. Tu hermosura es incomparable.

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Father, thank you for your creation. I am in awe of all that You are and all that surrounds me. Your beauty is beyond compare.

(an excerpt from my journal Dec 12,2008)

Visitando a mi amiga, Letty

First, I want to wish my sister Lara a very Happy Birthday today! I mean, ¡Feliz cumpleaños! Are you celebrating your 29th again?

I flew in to San Luis Potosi, Mexico yesterday to visit my good friend Letty, planning for a one week stay with her here. She was born in this city, and recently returned home, considering a long-term stay in Mexico. But after only two short weeks here she's decided it's time to return to Austin. So, our time here will be brief, because instead of flying home at the end of the week, I've decided to join her for the 17 hour drive back to Texas. We'll leave tomorrow morning and we have a few stops planned on the way. It will be an adventure, no doubt.

This morning we enjoyed a nice run in the park, followed by a tall glass of fresh fruit juice, granola and yogurt. Tonight we will visit more with local friends, and watch the Christmas light show at the oldest church in town.

Please pray for our safety as we return home, and stay tuned to my Blog as I back fill it with excerpts from my Costa Rica journaling.

You Tarzan; me Jane!

A must-do tree top adventure: the zip-lines!
You simply can't go to Costa Rica and pass on a canopy tour. Zip lines were even more exhilarating than I imagined they would be. I almost backed out of my tour because it had been intermittently raining that afternoon, but I decided to take my chances on the weather. I'm so glad I did, because as soon as we reached the first platform coming off the Sky Trek shuttle, the clouds blew away and we had a spectacular panoramic view of Lake Arenal. Then the holler monkeys came out to play and to keep us company in the treetops.

There were 8 cables on this tour, which we completed in about 2 hours. It took longer than it should have because on one of the longest runs the lady in front of me lifted her legs and slowed herself too soon. Then she panicked and forgot to grab the cable in front of her. She started picking up speed in reverse and went backwards for 300km where she came to a stop at the nadir of the cable. Two guides left our platform to rescue her when it was apparent that she had lost her grip strength and couldn't work her way back. I can only imagine what it would have felt like to be suspended by a harness hundreds of feet above the highest trees in the jungle! I must admit, it was a little hard going next on that run.

I couldn't have enjoyed the experience more. The above video was taken on my camera on our last cable run. The narration and filming was done by the guide who followed me on the zip line.

Under the full moon

There aren't many things I'd stay up to 2am to see, but a nesting Leatherback turtle is one of them. It was simply amazing! I took a guided tour to Playa Grande, just north of Tamarindo, where the endangered Leatherback turtle is studied and protected. That night at least three female turtles came to shore between 10pm and 3am, and our group was allowed to observe one of them. The turtle we followed slowly worked her way up from the water and dug her nest in the soft sand well above the high-tide line. Our group of 12 followed along.

The lead biologist confirmed that she was already microchipped, took measurements (she was 1.75 meters long, 1 meter wide), and counted the eggs as she laid them (62 in total, about 2 inches wide each). She worked hard with her flippers to carefully back-fill the nest, disguising it from predators with a scattering of sand. We were able to get right up next to her. Our lighting was that of a full moon and a single infrared headlight.

Her eggs will hatch in about sixty to seventy days. About 85% of these will be viable, but sadly only 1% of the hatchlings will survive to adulthood. I am told that the ambient temperature of the nest determines the sex of the hatchlings...how crazy is that? This female turtle is likely to return to shore 3-6 more times over the next month to lay additional eggs. If only I could be there to see the eggs hatch and the babies trek down to the water.

Ahh...la playa!

Yesterday I drove 4 hours from La Fortuna/Lake & Volcan Arenal to the Pacific coast, where I will be spending the next two days in the small surf town of Tamarindo. WiFi has been down the last few days due to the inland rains, but I have been journaling. I´ll catch up on my Blog soon and I´ll also post my first set of photos on KodakGallery, including pictures from Sunday´s canopy tour/zip lines!

I have a full day planned today: I´m biking to Sugar Beach, a white sand beach where I´ll kayak and snorkel, and then returning to take a late night ¨tortuga tour¨. A group of us will head out at 9pm to see the Leatherback Turtles come to shore to lay eggs! I can hardly wait!

¨Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it in to practice. And the God of peace will be with you.¨ Phil. 4:8-9

By Grace You Have Been Saved...

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. -Ephesians 2:8-9

An excerpt from my journal, December 3, 2008...

Father, I owe you everything. Without your grace sacrifice, my life on earth would be meaningless, and my future one of great suffering. But because of your mercy and unconditional love, I am offered salvation. Having accepted this gift, I am promised a future of peace, a forever-after in relationship with You. My future is certain and secure! You paid the price: bought me and rescued me from sin. Not because of who I am, but because of who You are. That is grace.

I can rest tonight, and every night, in the promise of eternal life. What more could I ask for and how can I not celebrate this very minute? The significance of this alone should bring me to my knees again and again. It should move me to tell the world of Your love. To shout from the rooftops, "I´m alive, forgiven, set free!" Why would I keep this good news to myself? Who wouldn´t want to receive this gift, the gift of life eternal? Let me awake tomorrow eager to share this news and spread Your love.

Up with the Birds!

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. – Psalm 90:14

Today I awoke early and had quiet time with God before the sun came up. While Costa Rica shares the same time zone as Texas, the sun rises much earlier here, and it is light by 0530. It’s the best time of the day as the skies are usually clear and the hummingbirds and squirrels come out to play. My mind is fresh- not yet exhausted from hours of thinking, writing, and talking in Spanish.

I’m starting my day today with a strong cup of coffee, yogurt, cereal, and fresh fruit. Every day they serve papaya, pineapple, melon, and banana along with a typical Costa Rican hot breakfast dish at the gazebo outside my villa. There are few other students this week, so usually I dine alone. It’s so peaceful.

This morning I’m heading out to Volcan Paos for a half day excursion. I’ve decided to switch my schedule to afternoon Spanish classes because there is less rain and less cloud cover early in the day. BTW, WiFi is down right now so my Blogs may be delayed.



(above photo is of Greciás most famous church, taken at sunrise)

Where the Streets Have No Name

Bono wasn’t writing about Costa Rica in his popular song, but it’s entirely possible that he got the idea for it here! One of the craziest things about this country is that the residences and businesses do not have numeric addresses, and many of the streets do not even have names. I’m not talking about dirt roads, I mean major thoroughfares. ¡Sí, las principales calles! There are no street signs on the corners here, and all directions are given descriptively—a nightmare for anyone who doesn’t know the area well.

For example, when I asked for directions to a local bike shop today, here’s what I was told: Go past the fire station (la estación de bomberos) near the park (cerca del parque), continue one block north (una cuadra al norte), then turn right (a la derecha) and walk approximately 100 meters past the shoe store (la zapateria). As if it’s not enough work to translate all of this from Spanish into English in my head, I also have to remember the series of directions I was given. As you can imagine as I get closer to my destination I often have to stop and ask again.

I could go on an on about the impracticality of this, but I won’t. You might be amazed, however, to know that mail is also addressed in this same descriptive manner. Can you just picture the front of the envelope? And can you imagine the job of sorting mail here? Fortunately, most businesses use P.O. boxes.

I did, by the way, manage to find the bike shop. After switching out the pedals and pumping up the tires of Diego’s soft-tail mountain bike (the owner of the school loaned his bike to me for the week), I followed a long road out of the city to the nearby foothills where I rode for most of the afternoon. With the breeze tunneling through my helmet, the sun on my arms, and the music of my MP3 player in my ears, I felt the true freedom of vacation.

The freedom and contentment I feel when I´m biking alone on backroads is almost indescribable. Maybe you know it too. It´s in these moments that I feel God´s presence and hear His voice most clearly. It is where we best connect.

I rode along palm-lined streets, through lush tropical gardens, and in and out of sugar cane fields. The weather was perfect: 75, sunny and breezy. The hillside was colorful and varied. I rode past fields of strawberries, coffee plants, banana and citrus trees. As I stopped to take pictures (like this self portrait) I gave thanks to the One who designed it all. Costa Rica is a masterpiece- His masterpiece! After one final long ascent (think Bee Caves hill, squared!), I enjoyed the downhill trip home to Grecia, via The Street with No Name.

Listening for Him

"Settle yourself in solitude and you will come upon Him in yourself." -Teresa of Avila

Many of us who attend Gateway Church recently completed a 60 day experiment and sermon series titled Soul Revolution. The goal of the experiment, as described in John Burke’s book by the same name, is for participants to make a conscious effort to connect with God in some way every 60 minutes for 60 days. A lofty goal, for sure! As a church body we supported each other during these two months by meeting weekly in small groups or with spiritual running partners. We also shared our struggles and triumphs through online blogs at http://www.soulrevolution.net/.

In the last week of our study one of our small group activities challenged us individually to re-evaluate our life goals and consider who we hope to be three (or perhaps even ten) years from now. While I pondered this question briefly at that time, I decided to largely postpone the exercise until I started my vacation. Knowing I would have huge blocks of time to sit in solitude and prayerfully dream about my future, I waited until I arrived here to take this on.

Truly, this exercise is not entirely unfamiliar to me. I’ll shamelessly admit to being one of those people who religiously (no pun intended) sits down each December and makes a list of resolutions for the coming year. I think I´ve been doing this now for twenty years or more. Occasionally I’m even brave enough to post my list on the refrigerator, making it not only more visible to me, but adding an accountability factor.

But this experiment is different. It´s not about making a 12 month to do list (or even a 36 month one), it´s about going deeper. Deciding who I want to be involves setting life goals, and requires a lot more time for reflection and prayer. And therefore, more solitude.

A few days in to my vacation, I now have a rough-draft list. I reviewed it tonight as I settled in for a couple of hours of quiet time. I’m finding that the list grows and changes as I listen for God’s voice in the silence. Tonight I subdivided my list into sections, including: personal growth, career & finances, family & friends, spiritual gifts & evangelism. I’m sure I’ll make more changes as God’s voice becomes louder. Which, I am finding, is exactly what happens when I become quieter.

"The voice of God is that secret voice unheard by any other ear, which our own ear, opened by the Spirit of God recognizes with joy." --Charles Spurgeon

¡Los saludos de Grecia, Costa Rica!

I'm settling in to my villa today, where I'll spend the first five days of my trip. It's a lazy rainy Sunday which is a good thing since I have nothing much planned. I'll venture out for a little while to explore the town and to find a bike to rent for the week, but I'm quite happy to spend most of the day indoors with a cup of coffee and a book. A true "sabbath" day!

The view from my living room is a beautifully landscaped courtyard with fruit trees, palms, and many other brightly colored flowering plants I cannot yet name. The language school is a little slow right now so I have only one neighbor: a teacher from Napa, California, that came to visit 9 months ago and can't seem to leave. She invited me over for pumpkin soup last night, thrilled to have the company of a gringa - que habla inglés también! I'm sure the feeling will be mutual soon.


Tomorrow morning I'll take my Spanish placement test so the intructor knows where to begin for my half day classes. I'm resisting the urge to study today. Go ahead, laugh at that, but Did they really have to tell me there is a test Monday? This is vacation, for crying out loud! Surely there isn't a test at the end, too!? ¡Ay, caramba!

Sab⋅bat⋅i⋅cal

NOUN- a time of rest; an extended period of leave from one's customary work, for study, rest, or travel

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light." - Matt. 11: 28-30

I've spent the last few days preparing my mind and soul for this coming vacation, this time of rest. Thinking about the purpose of my trip and asking that He will draw near to me as I draw nearer to Him. I have a plane ticket to Costa Rica and a villa at the language school in Grecia for the first 5 days. The rest of my trip is largely unplanned. I'll follow His lead as He shows me what I need, and as adventure unfolds. Be with me in prayer and follow along here!

Home to Houston

I spent Friday at my aunt Daurice's where my Houston family met to enjoy Thanksgiving leftovers. At first, the gathering was bittersweet as we joined the White family in mourning the loss of their border collie, Khaki, who was hit by a car on Thanksgiving day. Khaki was family too, and she will be missed by all.

The sadness was replaced by joy when my sister and her new baby arrived. Lara and Luis introduced Tristan to his cousin Presley, now 2 months old. "Tia Renee" is smitten over her new niece!

I enjoyed catching up with my cousins: Bethany is in her first year of law school and is busy studying for her first set of exams (there is still time to intercede on her behalf!). Her brother Collin is slowly accumulating the hours in flight needed to be a commercial pilot, and applying for air traffic control school. Their parents are busy remodeling a home...again.

Friday night we shifted gears from a season of Giving Thanks to the season and spirit of Christmas by attending the Casting Crowns et al Christmas Concert. It prepared my heart for the coming celebration of Christ's birth; may the following lines from my favorite song played do the same for you. The song is titled "Christmas Offering".

We bring an offering of worship to our King- No one on earth deserves the praises that we sing-Jesus may you receive the honor that you're due- O Lord I bring an offering to you-The sun cannot compare to the glory of your love- There is no shadow in your presence-No mortal man would dare to stand before your throne- Before the Holy One of heaven-It's only by Your blood- It's only through Your mercy- Lord, I come

Austin Thanksgiving

The Austin Family includes: Sheila, Sonja, Renee, Eric, Amy, Mas, Isaac, Jake & Tristan
Houston guests: Janie & Glenn Lockey

Thanksgiving memories

Hands down, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. In fact, this is my favorite week of the entire year! I like how things just seem to slow down a little...sometimes a lot. I love the simple spirit of the holiday, the way it highlights family and beckons a heart of gratitude, joy, and peace.

Several years ago our family decided that we would spend every other Thanksgiving at Big Bend National Park. Some of my favorite holiday memories have been made on these trips, such as canoeing the Rio Grande River with my sister & her husband, mountain biking the Lajitas trails with my mom, exploring hidden "caves" with Tristan and his grammy, and following Eric's lead on hikes through the park as he accurately identifies each unique desert plant (lechugilla, sotol, chollas, candellila...).

I have warm memories of preparing the evening meals with my aunt Daurice and cousin Bethany, of gathering at night for a family game of Taboo, and gazing up at a star studded Texas sky before going to bed. The first year we visited Big Bend we dressed in tank tops. Last year it snowed. Big Bend is a wonderful playground, full of surprises and ripe for adventure. It's the perfect place to reflect on God's goodness, the ideal setting for a Thanksgiving gathering of family and friends.

Father, thank you for the annual reminder of your faithfulness. Thank you for the opportunity to gather, to share a meal, to enjoy each other. Thank you for the desert, for Texas, for my family. Thank you for your abundant love.

View more of my Thanksgiving photos from Big Bend: http://www.reneeandcindy.com/bigbend.html

We're thankful!

An EXERCISE in Giving THANKS

In 2003, at the suggestion of our local church pastor, our family started a Thanksgiving tradition that we hope your family will also embrace and enjoy. Every year we sit down together and list items for which we are thankful (family, friends, pets, jobs, talents, vacations, toys, our church, health, etc). Writing each item on a Post-It note, we simply acknowledge God’s goodness for providing that item and thank Him for all that we are given. We then decorate our refrigerator (or a wall) with the stickies, leaving them there through the holidays as a reminder of all the ways we are blessed and that “Every good and perfect gift is from Him” (James 1:17).

Have a joyful Thanksgiving! (photo of Tristan, age 6)

Urban Submersion Weekend

This weekend Tristan and I joined others from Gateway Church to connect with Mission Possible! for a weekend of service projects in East Austin. The experience was varied: from garage cleanouts, to children's programs to food delivery to Church Under the Bridge, we got a taste in two days of what happens there all year round. God is at work at 12th and Chicon!

View more of my Urban Submersion photos at:
http://www.reneeandcindy.com/UrbanSubmersion.html