Year's End 2009

2009 was a ride. Yes, a RiDe. It was a year I will never forget. It was one of tremendous growth, of insights and blessings. It was also a year of conflict and struggle, frustration and pain. I was tried and I was stretched--at times well beyond my comfort zone. But in spite of all the challenges, more than anything else 2009 was a year of great JOY.

I will share some of my memories of the year and the lessons I learned in future entries. Tonight I simply want to close the year with a prayer from one of my favorite books of '09: Valley of Vision, a collection of Puritan prayers. It is appropriately titled Year's END

O Love beyond compare,
Thou art good when thou givest,
when thou takest away,
when the sun shines upon me,
when night gathers over me.

Thou hast loved me before the foundation of the world,
and in love didst redeem my soul;
Thou dost love me still,
in spite of my hard heart, ingratitude, distrust.

Thy goodness has been with me during another year,
leading me through a twisting wilderness,
in retreat helping me to advance,
when beaten back making sure headway.
Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead;
I hoist sail and draw up anchor,
With thee as the blessed pilot of my future as of my past.

I bless thee that thou hast veiled my eyes to the waters ahead.
If thou hast appointed storms of tribulation,
thou wilt be with me in them;
If I have to pass through tempests of persecution and temptation,
I shall not drown;
If I am to die,
I shall see thy face the sooner;
If a painful end is to be my lot,
grant me grace that my faith fail not;
If I am to be cast aside from the service I love,
I can make no stipulation;
Only glorify thyself in me whether in comfort or trial,
as a chosen vessel meet always for thy use.

May your reflections on the year that has passed lead you to a closer understanding of His grace, His love, His faithfulness, and His presence. Happy Year End to you.

Renee

"The joy of the Lord is my strength." - Neh 8:10

(return here tomorrow for a New Year prayer)

Only His Wounds

Check out By/For, a website that encourages artists to create sacred worship art by the church, for the church. This project which is titled Sweet Sacrifice touches on the themes of lament, loss, slavery and freedom in worship songs created for Lent. Seattle-based artists Molly McCue, Kurt Dyrhsen and Brian Moss collaborate with longtime Christian artist Michael Card on this project.

a link to the song, Only His Wounds, a free MP3 download

The Author of Life, the King of all Kings
Was wounded, and beaten,
and hung on a hill

The Truth of the world
The sacrifice made
Has risen, was given the power to save

Only His wounds can heal the broken
Only His wounds can save us from sin
Only His wounds give faith to the faithless
Only His wounds can restore us

The day of the Lord
The promise foretold
The judgment upon us is soon to unfold
But still there is hope
The way has been made
Before us is Jesus, with power to save

Only His wounds can heal the broken
Only His wounds can save us from sin
Only His wounds give faith to the faithless
Only His wounds can restore us

A God Encounter

Have you ever had a God encounter? A miraculous, powerful, or indescribable event that results in life change within you? If you have, it is likely that you became well aquainted with two strongly opposing forces: Jesus and Satan, light and darkness. In a God encounter they collide.

The reason both sides are noticably present in the midst of a life-changing event or a healing is because one side has much to gain, and the other has much to lose. The devil hates the potential of a God encounter, and will do anything to try to stop it. When a person comes face to face with God, and is changed as a result, they become infectious and contagious, and often, an unstoppable force in the Kingdom. They cannot keep their story to themselves, they want and need to share it with others. Even more so, a changed person is anxious to see others experience the freedom they have found, and they set out to help others discover the love of the Father & the power of the cross. At least this was my experience.

An infectious, contagious, high-on-Jesus life change is a great threat to the enemy. Which explains why he will try to undermine it in every way possible. The attack of the enemy against such events is well illustrated in chapter 9 of John through the story of Jesus' healing of a blind man. From verse 1 to 34, the blind man faces others who are are doubting and skeptical about Jesus' accomplishment in his life. It's as if no one but the blind man himself wants to testify to God's hand in the healing. No one wants Jesus to get the glory.

Look at the number and diversity of people in this story who opposed God's miraculous work of healing in the blind man's life. Five groups of people tried to undermine his transformation: the disciples, the neighbors, the Pharisees, the Jews, and even his parents! This illustrates well the wide variety of ways that the enemy can attack: through the familiar and through the foreign. If you've had a God encounter of your own, pause for a minute and take inventory of the forces and voices that opposed you and the work God did in your life.

.

The 5 groups of people seen in this chapter and the voices they represent are:

1) the disciples: the voice of reason... "who sinned, this man or his parents that he was born blind?" (i.e. there has to be a logical explanation for his affliction)

2) the neighbors: the voice of familiarity..."Isn't this the same man who used to sit and beg?" (sometimes the people who find it hardest to accept transformation in Christ are those that are most familiar with who we were before we changed)

3) the Pharisees: the opposing voice of religion..."this man is not from God, for he does not keep the Sabbath" (sometimes even believers cannot believe in the radical life change that God produces)

4) the Jews: the voice of unbelief..."Is this your son, one you say was born blind?" (sometimes the voice of unbelief is strongest in ourselves)

5) His parents: the voice of fear..."How he can now see we do not know, nor do we know who opened his eyes." (spoken in fear of persecution)

From his family to his neighbors to the religious people of the community, everyone expressed doubt. And while they could doubt and they could judge they could not deny what had changed: a man once blind now could see! This man would never be the same again--how could he be? For the first time in his entire life, he had vision! Can you imagine? A miracle had occurred. He had much to celebrate, so why in the world would he keep that to himself?

In the summer of 2008 I had a God encounter of my own. A light was cast on a corner of my life I had kept "hidden" from God for 20 years, and for the first time in my life I was powerfully convicted of this unconfessed sin. As the Holy Spirit helped me to confront the sin struggle, I slowly gained the strength I need to surrender it fully to Him. I confessed it: first to God, then to others, and repented of it, vowing to move forward in obedience. Surrendered to God, I recommitted my life to Him through baptism. I felt a freedom and joy that I'd never known, and I was engulfed with a supernatural peace that I had never before known. Like the blind man, I wanted to shout my story from every roof top, to tell it to every person I passed on the street. I was a new person. I was free. And I could not be silent.

.

As I began to share my own story of deliverance, I encountered many voices of uncertainty and discouragement. At times I felt enveloped by them: they seemed to be everywhere. Voices of doubt, criticism, and disbelief. They came from friends: both gay and straight, churched and unchurched. They came from family. They even came from church! The enemy attempted to use these voices to confuse and conflict me, and detour me from the path I had already chosen. But I could not be deceived: His joy filled my heart and His truth filled my mind. His protection was over me.

Why does the enemy hate God encounters so much? It's because great things are birthed out of these moments. A God encounter gives purpose and direction to your life. It leads to greater intimacy with Jesus. And, it results in a sense of responsibility and accountability. A feeling grows indside you that says, "I must do something; God has touched me and He has a call on my life".

Have you had such an encounter with God? Have you seen one in someone close to you? If so, have you seen the way that Satan tries to undermine what is happening? It's not just a tug of war--it's a battle! God is glorified through radical life change. When someone finds salvation, when someone has a vision for the Kingdom, when someone moves beyond their sin, their addiction, their failure, their false identity, and finds truth and life in Him, the enemy simply can't stand it!

When Jesus was asked who had sinned that this man would be born blind, he replied, "It happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." All God encounters happen for this reason, so it should come as no surprise that the enemy works so hard to defeat them. Being aware of this is our first defense.

Father, I pray today that Your transforming work will be fully displayed in my life, and that You would be the only one glorified by my God encounter and by the changes others see in me. Keep me awake and alert and aware of Satan's presence, even in the voices that surround me. Guide me along the path you have laid out for me, aware of my purpose and my role in the kingdom. Keep me accountable and motivated to do your work, to share my story and my faith. May others encounter God through me and find a newfound freedom. Amen


I thank Brian Houston, pastor of Hillsong church Australia, for opening my eyes to John 9 and teaching me about the power of a God encounter at Hillsong Encounter weekend, summer 09.

Happy Easter!

Oh, HAPPY Day!

"Happy Day" by Tim Hughes
Click to hear the song.


THE greatest day in history: death is beaten, YOU have rescued me. Sing it out, Jesus is alive!

The empty cross, The empty GRAVE.. LIFE eternal, You have WON the day. Shout it out: Jesus is alive, HE'S ALIVE!
.
OH HAPPY DAY, happy day, You washed my sin away. Oh happy day, HAPPY DAY: I'll never be the same, forever I am changed.
.
When I stand, in that place, free at last, meeting Face to Face. I am YOURS, and Jesus You are MINE. Endless JOY, perfect PEACE. Earthly pain finally will cease. Celebrate! Jesus is alive, He's alive!
.
OH happy day, happy day, YOU WASHED my sin away. Oh, happy day, happy day I'll never be the same Oh NO, Forever I am changed! Oh what a glorious DAY! What a glorious WAY! That You have SAVED me, Oh what a glorious day, What a GLORIOUS NAME!


"Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus." -Romans 6:8-11

He is My Fortress

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." -Psalm 91: 1-2

I've written in earlier entries about how often and how intensely God connects with me when I am exercising. To my delight, my recent workouts have been rich with opportunities to hear God's voice. Knowing that both my body and my soul will be satisfied in these hours, I find myself longing for the next chance to hit the trail or jump on my bike and take off for a ride. This is a very good thing!

Although it's not the only way, the most frequent way God speaks to me as I exercise is through the lyrics of praise songs that stream (loudly) through my iPod. He captures my attention with a verse or phrase that makes perfect application to my life at that moment. Sometimes a song I’ve heard a hundred times before will sound completely different, as if the lyrics were suddenly changed to fit my situation. Does this happen to you too?

Today I had a connection like this while running at Town Lake. I was a mile or so in to my run, with my iPod on shuffle mode, when Jeremy Camp's song "My Fortress" started playing. While this isn't a song that I know by heart, I've heard it enough times that I can sing along to the chorus. But as the song played today, a few key words jumped out at me (this fear...His peace...a sanctuary) and I started to listen more carefully to the song's message.

The lyrics took me back to a time in late 2007 when I was struggling with discontentment. Although successful by many measures (according to the world's standards), and seemingly "happy" on the surface, I had somehow lost the internal peace and joy that I once knew, the kind that comes from being in right relationship with God. I was desperate to be delivered from this place of unrest, and to have my happiness restored.

When I called out to my Father and invited Him in to my grief, He was quick to draw near. When I asked for insight and understanding, He enlightened me and shined a light into the shadowed corners of my life. Conflicted and hurting, I asked God to be my REFUGE--the sanctuary that the world could not provide me with, and never will.

Not only did my Savior hear my cry, but He mercifully reached down and pulled me out of my pit. He helped me to identify the unconfessed sin in my life that was distancing me from Him, and to overcome the fear that kept me from confronting it and trusting Him. As I put my hope in Him completely, He began a healing work in my heart, and in my life, so that I could find the joy and contentment that I longed for. As I traded the lies of this world for His truth, His truth set me free. I found my refuge and my strength in Jesus: my fortress, my Rock.

"I'm running fast to seek Your face...Head first I dive into Your grace"...

As these words streamed through my ears, an image passed in front of me. I imagined myself running fast to Him (and my Father running fast to me). I picked up my pace and played the song again, and again, letting the vision and the song carry me through my run. As I connected to the message and the emotions built up inside me, I felt a pull toward God so strong it was all I could do to not to drop to my knees and praise my Lord right there on the trail! I hurried to my car so I could find paper and a pen and record these feelings.

Here are the words to the song, and a "must click" link to a short devotional from the songwriter, Jeremy Camp. May the words of scripture he reads comfort and strengthen you as they did me.

Jeremy Camp devotional: My Fortress (click here to listen)

I can feel it coming over me, all the weight of what this fear can bring. I know on my own I can’t survive, and I’m fading fast now. I’m closing in on what’s in store for me, all the rest in your security. I’m holding on to the words You speak, and You’re speaking clear now.

I’m running fast to seek Your face, head first I dive into Your grace...

You are my fortress, You are the refuge where I hide. You are the strength when I can’t fight, You are the only one I rest my life in. You are the only hope I find, You are my only peace of mind. You are the only one I rest my life in.

I’m taking hold of what’s in front of me, a place where I can rest my weary feet. There’s no other place that I can go, so I’m waiting here now. I’m letting go of what the world will bring, a sanctuary that will never breathe. I found my heart in that place before, and I’ll never go back. I get lost within that place, the place where I always wish I'd stayed.

You are the only one, the only one I rest my life in, Lord. You are my hope, my strength, my life, my peace... my rock, my joy, my EVERYTHING now. You are the refuge where I hide,You are the only one I rest my life in.

Father,

You are my fortress, my rock, my refuge from the ways of this world and from my sin. I know that I am safe with You, protected by your outstretched arms of power and love. In every circumstance, in every difficulty, your protection is both constant and sufficient. In Your grip I have nothing and no one to fear...what a comforting thought.

I thank you for Your constant presence and availability: when I see You, and even when I don't. I vow once again to put my faith in You, to hide myself in You, to rest my life in You, to worship You alone...today and always.

Amen.

A Love Like This

His LOVE is so unlike any love I've ever known. So steady, so full, so quenching. It is a love that not only fills me from head to toe, it defines me.

While I know that I can't adequately explain the depths of it, I can't help but speak out about it. The feeling is simply too good to keep it to myself. And I don't think I could, even if I tried. It's all over my face.

I am high on my Father's love and I never want to come down.

Today started out like any other ordinary day. Post-call, I woke up in the hospital and made early morning rounds before heading to the office. I spent a few hours there clearing my desk: making phone calls to patients, scheduling surgeries, signing off labs, etc. Nothing special. I made small talk with office staff as they passed in and out to say good morning. Then suddenly I felt the need to stop what I was doing in order to acknowledge an intensely deep feeling that was welling up inside me. My mind shuffled through words for a minute, trying to find one that adequately described what it was I was feeling. Then I found it: CONTENTMENT.

As I moved from the office to the coffee house, to the architect's office, to my living room, to Spanish class, to the gym, to the hospital, and back home again, the feeling not only remained, it grew. And it was joined by feelings of HAPPINESS so intensly powerful that I found myself sitting in the gym parking lot searching my iPod frantically for a song of praise loud enough and joyful enough to match my mood. I simply had to sing!

The first song that jumped out at me was You Found Me , by Big Daddy Weave (follow the link; click on the song player, and turn it up loud!). It's an upbeat song about the magic and power of discovering God's Love for the very first time. It describes the transformation of the soul when the new believer realizes he will never be same again. And, having tasted something so magnificent, the corollary to his discovery is that he would never want to be the same again.

Gripped tightly by arms of grace, the child of God will come to know the paradox of such a stronghold: that amazing freedom is found in His Love. And that not only is His Love the best thing, it is EVERYTHING.

Father, I am so grateful to know TRUE Love, to know YOUR Love. And because of it, I will never be the same.

your daughter,
Renee


So In Love Jeremy Camp (click to play the song)

So many times I've fallen, so many ways I've failed you, so many times I've stepped out on my own. I know I'm undeserving, but I feel You are preserving the only good that I have shown

The only words that I can bring are these very words I sing
To sing to You now...

Cause I am so in love with You
There's nothing else I choose
You've stolen my heart
Yes, I'm all for You

Nothing can separate me from the grace that You gave free I know You'll never let me go
Even though You know my frailties, every single thing about me You show the greatest love that's known

The only word that I can bring Are these very words I sing I sing to You now...

Time and time again You show The depth and love that You bestow I never fully understand
It's too great for me to know But I always try to bring I try to bring You everything

I Know Who I Am

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Cor 12:9

As I read this verse today, my first thought was "What a relief! God can use me despite my weaknesses." But the more I meditated on these words and other verses about weakness (Zech 4:6, 1 Cor 1:25, 27, Matt 5:3), the more I began to realize that the more significant message here is this: that God cannot use me if I will not admit my weaknesses. And I began to see the true difference between these points.

In order to do the work of God with any degree of success, we must have a sense of our own weakness. There is simply no room in His army for the arrogant or self-sufficient. We are fallen and in need of His mercy; serial sinners, incapable of anything good apart from Him. We are broken, and able to find healing only by His grace. We are too weak to win in battle on our strength alone. But when rely on Him--on His might--then we can be victorious.

Sure, there's nothing trendy about admitting one's weaknesses, nor one's brokenness. In fact, most of us spend a great deal of energy and effort trying to cover these up. But God calls us to be bold and humble: to acknowledge our needs, not to hide them. And to lay them at His feet. What He offers in return is freedom. What He offers is more of what we long for--more of Him.

"Mourning over your weakness? Take courage! Your emptiness is but the preparation for your being filled, and your casting down is but the making ready for your lifting up."--Spurgeon

my prayer tonight:

Father, I come to You tonight not only aware of my brokenness, but also thankful to You for it. For I have come to understand that my weaknesses only draw me nearer to You. As I struggle with the sins of the world, the conflicts between flesh and spirit, I am reminded again and again how reliant I am on You...to do good, and to win in battle. Remind me not to rest in my own faith, nor to depend on my own strength, but teach me to be humble and meek and reliant on You. For in You alone will I find victory. In You alone will I be made whole.

I Know Who I Am

I try so hard but I always fall short, so I've faced the truth of my weakness. There's nothing good that I can bring forth, but I stand in the strength of Your presence. I've wasted time always trying to face things alone. But I wait here now and I lay it all down...

I know who I am and I know I'm not able to stand on my own; I can't live all alone. So I'm taking my hands and I'm reaching them out. And I fall down. I fall down for you.

In times of brokenness always You show the depth of love that You bring me. When I'm kneeling down in Your presence I know: Your source of life I'm receiving. I place myself in Your arms that will always lead me. And I won't let go cause there's nowhere else to go.

I don't know why the things I want to do I always run from now. Because I know apart from You there's nothing that I can do where life will become new.

And I know who I am and I know I'm not able to stand on my own; I can't live all alone. So I'm taking my hands and I'm reaching them out, and I know that I'll take everything that's in me and fall down before You.

Jeremy Camp, Speaking Louder Than Before (click to play song)

All That I Need

In my effort to find an copy of the book The Valley of the Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions on the internet, I stumbled across a collection of worship songs inspired by the book. Just like the prayers themselves, the songs are rich and full of scripture. Short and simple, they get right to the heart of worship: pursuit of our Father and Savior. I connected with one of them while running the other day and played it through three consecutive times on my iPod. It has continued to stream through my head in quiet moments of the days that have followed. I think it's God's way of reminding me that He's All That I Need.

In You is strength to sustain me • And wisdom enough to guide my hand • Mercy enough to forgive me • And power to finish what You began

All that I need is in You, Jesus • The fountain of grace that overflows • All that I need is in You, Jesus • You are my only hope • You are my only hope

In You is fullness of gladness • And fullness of grace for every need • Rest for the ones who are weary • And beauty surpassing all that we’ve seen

You satisfy my heart • You satisfy my soul • You satisfy my heart • O help me always know

All That I Need, Stephen Altrogge, Valley of Vision

A Prayer for the New Year

Mom came to visit for the weekend and shared with me a book of Puritan Prayers, The Valley of Vision. After she and Tristan went to bed tonight, I found some quiet time to read a few pages of these eloquent prayers. I stumbled upon one titled "New Year", appropriately timed and perfect to share. Every line of this prayer was a blessing to me at this year end turning point. As you launch into the unknown waters of 2009, may it bless you as well.

O Lord,

Length of days does not profit me except the days are passed in thy presence, in thy service, to thy glory.

Give me a grace that precedes, follows, guides, sustains, sanctifies, aids every hour, that I may not be one moment apart from thee, but may rely on thy Spirit to supply every thought, speak in every word, direct every step, prosper every work, build up every mote of faith, and give me a desire to show forth thy praise; testify thy love; advance thy kingdom.

I launch my bark on the unknown waters of this year, with thee, O Father, as my harbor; thee, O Son, at my helm; thee O Holy Spirit, filling my sails.

Guide me to heaven with my loins girt, my lamp burning, my ear open to thy calls, my heart full of love, my soul free.

Give me thy grace to sanctify me, thy comforts to cheer me, thy wisdom to teach, thy right hand to guide, thy counsel to instruct, thy law to judge, thy presence to stabilize.

May thy fear be my awe, thy triumphs my joy.

Amen.

Renee's "Top Ten" Lists

2008 was a huge year for me--one that I will never forget! Filled with both trials and tribulations, it was a year marked by growth, change, and reflection. In moments of pain, doubt, and confusion I turned to His Word for comfort and for answers. But I also found insight and instruction in many books, and comfort in many songs, including the ones below. Through the year God was gracious and merciful to bring me out of the pain, to a place of authentic joy and peace. Transformed and renewed, I celebrate His Love today as I share the lists of books & CDs that inspired me most this past year.

Praying that you will feel His presence and receive His blessings in 2009,
Happy New Year,
Renee

Top 10 Books I Read in 2008

10 The Divine Conspiracy, Dallas Willard, 1997 (it’s only last on the list because I’m not quite finished)
9 Dangerous Journey: The Story of Pilgrims Progress, Oliver Hunkin, 1985, (a children’s book- read with Tristan)
8 Soul Revolution, John Burke, 2007
7 Hinds Feet on High Places, Hannah Hurnard, 1955
6 Desires in Conflict, Joe Dallas, 1991
5 Celebration of Discipline, Richard Foster, 1978
4 The Shack, William P. Young, 2007
3 The Knowledge of the Holy, AW Tozer, 1961
2 Pursuit of Holiness and Practice of Godliness, Jerry Bridges, 1978
1 The Bible (I’m currently enjoying “The Chronological Bible”- thanks Mom!)

Earth’s crammed with heaven, and every common bush afire with God. But only he who sees takes off his shoes; the rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.--Elizabeth Barrett Browning (as quoted in The Shack)

When we are holding on to some sin, we are not pursuing holiness and we cannot have fellowship with God.--Jerry Bridges, The Pursuit of Holiness

The world's version of battle and joy is striving and indulgence. If you walk with God it's an intense battle but authentic joy. The battle will find you but you have to be intentional about the joy.--John Eldridge, Walking with God

Sincere prayer comes from a heart that longs for God to reveal what He desires.--Swindoll, So You Want to Be Like Christ?

To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love, scorned indeed by the too-easily-satisfied religionist, but justified in happy experience by the children of the burning heart. --A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

Our pursuit of God is successful because He is forever seeking to manifest Himself to us--A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

Top 10 CDs that I Bought in 2008

10 Maná, Arde el Cielo (En Vivo)
9 Eliza Gilkyson, Beautiful World
8 Bebo Norman, Bebo Norman
7 Devin Garza, Every Reason
6 Third Day, Revelation
5 Downhere, Ending is Beginning
4 Aaron Shust, Whispered and Shouted
3 Jeremy Camp, Speaking Louder than Before
2 Rush of Fools, Wonder of the World
1 Tenth Avenue North, Over and Underneath

Your ways are high They're not our own And You are seated at Your throne And it's Your love that gives us hope That You will never let us go --Rush of Fools

Turn me around, pick me up, undo what I've become; Bring me back to the place of forgiveness and grace; I need You, need Your help I can't do this myself; You’re the only one who can undo what I've become--Rush of Fools

At first I am afraid but not because of fear But the Holy of Holies is drawing me near Your voice like thunder shakes the ground I'm on So hide my face in the shadow of Your wings, oh Lord hide my sin from the beauty here before Your throne--Tenth Avenue North

Your love has stolen my heart; Your love has set me apart; Your love is life in my veins; And all my mistakes fade away So find me and stop me and take me, and save me!--Rush of Fools

Consume me with your fire, cleanse me with your rain Purify me, let me glorify your name Wash away my empty past until only Your love remains --Tenth Avenue North