God sent me to Haiti to love & to serve.
God sent me to Haiti to get over myself.
My first day in Port-au-Prince was a struggle, to say the least. I found myself fighting to get beyond my own discomforts and frustrations in order to be fully available to love and serve the people. Keeping a joyful attitude was a chore, and any joy I displayed on my face that first day was more of a façade than a true representation of my feelings. Honestly, I was miserable.
Most people see me as a positive person: one who offers hope & encouragement to others. Only my closest friends know how much I constantly war against my natural tendency to focus on the negatives. And there was no hiding the negatives when I arrived in Haiti. It was hot & humid. Supplies were limited. The facilities were inadequate. My stomach was upset. The line of clinic patients was endless and each had a dozen medical complaints. To determine across both cultural & language barriers what problems actually needed treatment was a challenge. Compounding that was the fact that every patient I saw was grieving, and many were clinically depressed.
Sure, I recognized how trivial my problems were compared to those who waited hours in line to see me; but rather than encouraging me, that reality only magnified my unhappiness by adding guilt. I quickly recognized that I was being tested (if not attacked) by these feelings and I called out to God to help me with my attitude. It needed to change- and STAT! I wanted more than anything to see past myself to the people He called me to serve.
My prayer was not answered immediately but it was eventually answered. I honestly believe God wanted me to sit in my discomfort for awhile so that the challenges of Haiti– physical, emotional, and spiritual—would be remembered years later. Somewhere in the middle of my second clinic day I realized that these negative feelings had passed and my joy had been restored. I was able to take my eyes off myself and love and serve selflessly for the remainder of my time there.
A new struggle came with Days 3 and 4. By this point I’d heard countless stories of grief and suffering. I’d sat with women who lost everything: their homes, their husbands, their children, their legs. I prayed with one after another, through my tears and theirs. Occasionally I had no idea what to say; words were simply inadequate. I prayed that God would speak what I couldn't through my touch & my tears. That’s when the questions came…
Poverty. Destruction. Hunger. Grief. Despair. Suffering. Death. Two hundred seventy thousand deaths! Why God, why them? ...and why ME? What can I possibly do here to make things measurably better? What lasting comfort can I possibly provide to these people? Most of these people do not even know you. What chance do I have to convince them of Your goodness or even Your presence in a time like this? In my health and in my wealth, how could I possibly convince them that you are not only with me, but you are here with them too? Surely they won’t believe. Why Haiti, God? Why? And what do I say if they ask?
I thought back to another time I questioned His ways. Another time I questioned His goodness & love.
At the age of 17 I fell in love with a woman. Aware of what the scriptures had to say about same-sex relations, I shook my fist at God in anger and started demanding answers of Him. “Why is wrong for a woman to commit herself to another woman in love?” I shouted. “And if it is wrong, God, why would you allow me to desire a woman that way?” Why?
Answers to these questions did not come immediately, but when I fully surrendered this area of my life to Him decades later, a few words from the Bible would prove to be sufficient enough an answer. More accurately, it would put me in my rightful place before God and humble me before my Maker.
The verses are Isaiah 45:9 and Romans 9:20 and together they read: “Who are you O man to talk back to God? Woe to Him who quarrels with his Maker. Does the pot have the right to say to the Potter, ‘Why did you make me this way?’
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I can’t describe how powerful this message was to me. I fell to the floor the first time I read it. How audacious of me to challenge my Maker! He is God, perfect and holy. Alpha. Omega. What right do I or does anyone have to demand that the God of the universe explain His actions or His motives? To give us a reason for our pain, our unwanted attractions, unfair circumstances, losses... for anything at all?
None. absolutely none.
Perhaps, as Job did, I should simply acknowledge my unworthiness before Him, assume a correct posture of worship & service, and place my hand over my mouth. There is truly no more I should say. ...except maybe "thanks". THanks for your patience. Thanks for your mercy. Thanks for your faithfulness & love. And thanks for the opportunity to serve you daily, whether at home or in Haiti. You ARE a good God.
“He moves mountains without their knowing it and overturns them in His anger. He shakes the earth from it’s place and makes it’s pillars tremble…if He snatches away, who can stop Him? Who can say to Him, “What are you doing?” “Shall we accept good from God and not .adversity?” -Job 9:4, 2:10
All the peoples of the earth are regarded as nothing. He does as He pleases with the powers of heaven and the peoples of the earth. No one can hold back His hand or say to Him: “What have you done?”—Daniel 4:35
“I consider that present sufferings are not worth comparing .with the glory that will be revealed in us.”-Rom 8:18
